Marriage is not the easiest institution on Earth. If it were just you and your spouse locked away on some dessert island where there were no bills or other responsibilities to worry about than probably the marriage would last forever. It might get boring, but you wouldn’t have a choice – but to stick it out or spend your lifetime talking to apes. In the real world things aren’t so cut and dry and many people wake up one day to find themselves in a marriage that no longer adds any substance to their life. Worst case scenario, you would rather talk to apes!

Part of the blame for ending up in a failed marriage is your own immaturity. Before you set up house, have a hundred kids and worry about cutting grass and doing laundry you never imagine that such little things could get in the middle of that special love you feel. You are hopelessly optimistic and even though others might tell you to take your time or be careful, you won’t listen. You rush in, rush down the aisle and hurry to the first place that will make you feel like an adult. Then you realize it isn’t all its cracked up to be and that you are stuck with someone who doesn’t know how to make a bed, won’t make love to you and who would rather watch TV than go out. Then the bills come, the ones that pile up as a result of having to have everything grown up without really wanting to work for it. The kids come too and then you realize how you and your honey are so opposite it’s a wonder you ever got along to begin with. Basically, it’s difficult to prepare for something when you don’t know (or want to know) what to expect. Before you get married to someone you have no real idea how they feel about certain ingrained things like housework or raising children and aren’t privy to all their bad habits that resulted from years of being raised by a family aside from your own.

When a marriage goes bad it can be terrifying. Many people are just afraid to admit the failure of the situation and stay so they don’t have to hear I told you so. Others are committed monetarily and just feel stuck. Plenty others sort of know things are great but just keep hanging in there hoping that it will get better one day. Then it doesn’t. Marriage is one of those things that take constant attention and coddling. Drop the ball for one minute and suddenly the roof is caving in. Have one argument over who makes better coffee and you will unleash a world of criticism upon each other as a result of pent up frustration. Then what?

What comes next depends on your own beliefs about marriage as well as the real partnership that you and your partner have. If you want to work through it and your spouse doesn’t seem interest you might as well spend your days banging your head against the wall. There are some couples who through thick and thin seem to be able to work things out and get over the hump by communicating with clarity that makes the stars jealous. Others hold it all in until they are so hurt and resentful there is no way they can find their back to that place where they love each other. While depressing and a bit of a letdown, you have plenty of life left ahead of you and wasting your time is a pitiful way to spend your time. “But we love each other” is a worthless excuse for staying in a marriage if there are no means of communication between the two of you. No matter how much love exists, it won’t work. You will wake up at 40 one day with the epiphany that you have just wasted a decade of your life.

None of this sounds that optimistic. The raw truth is that marriage changes as constantly and often as the seasons. The people who make it are the ones who can roll with the punches and let go of their dreams that Groundhog Day is a definite that spring is around the corner. You have to work at it and you have to be committed to the idea of marriage and the good things about your spouse in order to get through tough times. That same son of a gun you married is the one that just a few years ago you were defending to every one who told you he or she was worthless. If you can reach deep inside back to that spot, you will be able to grow up together and change your expectations thus changing your married life. If you can’t, then you have to chalk up the experience to a bad decision and learn from it.

The other thing many young couples don’t realize is that marriage can go bad one day and be beautiful again the next. There isn’t always instant gratification when it comes to marriage. But a bad marriage isn’t the end of the world. Far too many over dramatize the fact that getting out is the best option and end up dragging around baggage and unhappiness for decades. Greener pastures are always ahead when you look at things from a mature point of view or realize that while time may change some things it often doesn’t change people. If the marriage is bad and your life is unhappy, take responsibility, rebuke what others think and do what is right and best for your sanity, your family and your well-being. When you know better, you will do better.

david beart runs the professors house. our family based site covers everything from pregnancy to raising children, health, nutrition and marriage advice.

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